I admit...I cried two times this week. And I have been thinking about it quite a bit. I haven't been thinking about the reason for the tears....but instead why crying is something about which I'm pondering.
When I was a little girl, I would watch myself cry. If I was sad enough I would sit in front of a mirror and study myself, which, strangely enough, brought me peace. Sometimes I would think of sad things just to see myself cry. I thought tears were pretty...like rain on a window. like rain on my cheek.
I've caught my son doing the same thing actually. I wonder why he is doing it...why I did it. To see what sadness or anger look like? To validate grief or hurt or anger? I remember thinking that I looked pretty crying--a strange thought for a shy little girl who was unsure of herself. Perhaps kids inherently know that tears are good. Healing. But somehow as I grew up my beliefs changed.
I'll give you something to cry about
big boys don't cry
you're faking it
cheer up
don't manipulate
suck it up
have a tissue
In other words, "Don't cry". It's no wonder we hold back our tears.
I find it interesting that "tear" not only means the "watery fluid that comes from the eyes when feeling emotion" but also "to pull apart and leave ragged edges or rip into pieces". I think there are so many negative messages--overt and subliminal--about tears that we become afraid to cry for fear we will rip apart or fall into pieces.
I was in a play once where my character burst into tears. When practicing that scene, I immediately cupped my face in my hands. The director said "Beth, we need to see your face. We need to see that she is crying". At first it was really hard to do--I was incredibly self-conscious. But eventually I was openly sobbing onstage with snot pouring out of my nose. It was empowering. A woman came up to me after the show and told me that she cried for the first time seeing a play. I'm not sure my performance was that stellar but I think somehow seeing me cry gave her permission to do the same. It was a powerful moment for me. It was a step in the right direction.
And then there was the time I was sitting in a counseling office during my divorce trying not to cry. My counselor sat beside me and told me to touch my tears and look at them and see how beautiful they were. Frankly it was a completely awkward moment and there was no way I was going to stare at my tears and revel in their beauty. But when I do begin to cry these days, I do hear her whisper in my ear. And it comforts me.
So I have cried twice over the past week. I am hormonal. And I'm dealing with the life stressors of being a single mom and running a business and household.
And I am also dating. Which is terrifying. I'm good at a lot of things. But I cannot claim that dating is a strength of mine. So something happened this week which was a complete misunderstanding. I began to cry on the phone to this new guy. Sadly enough I feel shame even typing this. But acceptance is half the battle right?
I'm summarizing this story but he was really kind about it. He said he wanted to hear me cry. That it would help him know me. And that it was real and what he wants in a relationship--genuineness and honesty. Whether or not this relationship materializes into anything is still unknown. But it reinforces that I want to be with someone who is ok with my tears. That quality has made it onto my "must-have" list.
There are so many articles about the benefits of crying--that it releases endorphins, reduces stress, etc. But I think on a deeper level, and most importantly, it is about expressing who we are.
I want to be ok with my tears. 2014 is all about speaking my truth even when it hurts.
Even when it makes me cry.
