Just some questions

I am having trouble formulating one coherent thought, essay, inspiration today. And I think it is just because I have so much on my mind. In fact, I am having trouble getting out of my head these days during my "off-time" from work. So I thought if I just posted all the random questions and thoughts spinning around...then I could breathe and get a massage and a margarita. This better work.

1) So what happens after we die? Does everyone have the same experience? Are there really ghosts? Do those free "ghost hunting" apps on the i-phone work? And should I be freaked out that mine said "blood, body, I"?

2) I went to this dinner where a stylist was speaking--offering advice on when your clothes have reached their "expiration date". I have realized that using her guidelines....3/4s of my closet has reached its "expiration date". I was wondering if I were to really purge these clothes...do you think she'd let me borrow her credit card? Because in following her advice I would be walking around nearly naked and that might be bad publicity for a stylist. Just sayin.

3) If I take 15 minutes a day....would I be capable of filing all of my paperwork in a week's time? I think not.

4) Some days I listen to my daughter and I think that I have given birth to a smarter and more dramatic version of myself. I owe my parents a case of Opus One. Actually the whole winery.

5) When will "no" just mean "no"? Will someday the "no" just kick-in as meaningful? Will the "no" command respect? Will consistency make "no" work? Did Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey accept "no" as children? I tell myself "no" and this is the only thing that gives me hope for the future of all of us.

6) Is it time to accept that I won't have another child? To embrace that next stage of my life? That is hard on many days for some reason.

7) Is the world coming to an end? Do I need to rethink my exit strategy?

8) If my coffee pot says I am drinking 6 cups of coffee, but it only fills up 2 1/2 mugs....doesn't that mean I am only drinking 2 full cups of coffee?

9) Who is my authentic self...is she who I think she is, I am....whatever?

I'm going to just rebel and leave the questions at 9. That kind of encapsulates how I'm feeling...like if I could figure out one more thing--neatly reach a #10....the rest of it would be very clear. You'd think reaching answers are hard....reaching the question is sometimes the toughest task of all.

What I'm thinking about today...

So I happened upon this Youtube Video by Alye Pollack

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37_ncv79fLA

This pretty little girl...clearly smart, creative, sensitive....bullied at school. Good for her for having the strength to speak her truth...out loud, in color, and underlined.

I can't say I was ever bullied. Teased...yes. Not sure when the line crosses into bullying. I was an easy target. I struggle to recognize sarcasm. People who have a really dry sense of humor intimidate me. I never know what is supposed to funny. I've learned to recognize certain facial cues...twinkling eyes, half-smiles, but without that....I'm pretty much at a loss. It takes me a few moments to process a joke. I tend to understand it about 30 seconds after the rest of the room. I haven't figured out if I am too literal or too abstract. This pretty much painted a red circle on my forehead from the time kids were old enough to figure this out about me.

I was called stuck up. Told I walked weird. That my breath smelled. That I was ditsy. Tree trunks for calves, cankles, etc. I still struggle to show my ankles in public. I didn't know I looked any different until a boy at church pointed it out.

Sometimes I'm watching tv and I feel disdain for a woman I don't find attractive. Now, where does that come from?  I remember watching "Will and Grace" and the Grace character came back to the show after giving birth and I felt resentful because she had gained weight.

I know I just saw myself in these women. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not enough. They were mirrors. Psych 101. All the voices become echoes that resonate in our heads. And we project those echoes onto our own hall of mirrors. And they just bounce back.

I try really hard to whisper to my children waking and sleeping that they are special and beautiful and smart in hopes that my echo is simply louder.

On a lighter note....I woke up last night having some sort of weird pre-menopausal hot flash. OK--I'm not hot flashing yet but regardless I woke up drenched in sweat. So all morning I kept walking into my room thinking...my God...I can't believe my sweat is still smelling up the room.

And then I found the cat poo. All over the clean laundry. Not sure how this ties into bullying. But somehow it seems relevant.