I choose to believe I am not having a mid-life crisis but am naming my blog that in an effort to gain your attention. It worked.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Loss
I love when my life gives me a story so hilarious that I have to put it on paper. But no matter how much I looked for humor in this past week....there was little. This was a sad week. Booooo
If I had to pick a theme for the past year and a half of my life....it would be Loss. Losing a friend, a lover, a dream, some of who I've always been. The universe is slightly cruel because it must realize by now I am really bad at loss. And I have managed to do really well in spite of grief because I have a career I love, and two precious children and so many friends and family around me all the time. But still....
As I think back through my life about my earliest feelings of loss...I struggle to find something solid. I don't remember feeling specifically like something was gone from my life. I remember being scared in my room at night sometimes. Imagining an angel sleeping beside me. If you ever read "The Littlest Angel"--the tiniest angel crawls into the lap of this beautiful older angel who comforts him. I would picture that beautiful comforting angel holding me to sleep.
I had an attachment to a silk pillow as a very young girl. In a moment of prodigy creative genius I named it "Little Pillow". I once left it outside in the rain and begged my mom to go find it. She did. So I got my pillow back. Soggy and dirty...but no more sad.
We moved to a new house when I was 9. That was hard. Growing up in the Highlands as a child was incredible. The homes were close together and full of kids. We'd run through each others backyards all summer long....it was one giant playground. The new home was big and beautiful with a huge yard. But the houses were far apart and there weren't many children nearby. But I still don't remember too much grief over leaving the neighborhood I loved.
There was a moment when my brother and I were playing in the dirt as our new home was being built. There was a baby bird on the ground. The trees had been cut down so there wasn't a mommy bird. We tried to build a nest on the ground in hopes of the momma finding him. I was young enough to hope...but old enough to not hope too much. When we drove away I felt incredibly sad because there was nothing I could do. The unknown felt really scary because deep down I was aware that the bird was going to die.
So maybe that's it. Maybe it's not so much about the loss of someone or something but rather the loss of control. The gaining of uncertainty is hard.
And then there is the excess love with nowhere to go. I wish I had some magical gorgeous wood bureau where I could store my love for whatever is lost. Like a silk scarf or a comfortable quilt, tuck the loss into neat square folds. Put it in it's proper drawer where I know it is safe but stored comfortably most of the time. A place where I can drape it around me at moments to remember....and then kindly and purposefully place it away.
Maybe that's it. Maybe it's the extra weight of something with nowhere to go. Something the wind keeps blowing in your face. A loose hair that won't stay tucked behind your ear. A cry outside your window with no source to be found.
Regardless I realize loss is simply a part of life. I'm not sure I will ever get used to it. Who does? I just hope to learn to coexist with it a little more peacefully.
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