A Woman, Her Minivan and a Turtle

There is a moral to this story.

So one lovely Saturday morning, I was driving down Lexington Road toward Grinstead in my cool Minivan with kids buckled and boostered. I am nearing the intersection traffic light when I notice a small turtle in the middle of the road...clearly frightened and facing imminent death.

Being of sound mind and body, I realize that it is up to me to save this turtle from an untimely demise.

So, on this usually very busy road, which just happens to be quiet at the moment, I throw the car into park and bark at my children to remain in their seats (CPS would love this but I at least locked the car). I get out of the car and run toward the helpless animal when I begin to recognize that this turtle is larger than I thought. (Darn minivan making creatures look all innocent from several stories up)

So I quickly approach this creature, prepared for a quick grab and drop at the curb, when all of sudden this thing LUNGES at me. Not just lunges--but its neck stretches out like ugly, mean ET, it opens its mouth and HISSES...loudly. This thing was straight out of The Exorcist.

I was so freaked out that I jumped. My glasses flew right off of my face and landed beneath the turtle. No joke. And seriously people--without my glasses I am legally blind. So there I am. Legally blind. Cars now starting to pass me--slowly of course, staring and thinking (I'm sure), "who is that crazy lady" standing in the middle of the road with that nasty snapping turtle. (yeah...that would be me)

So I run toward the fuzzy outline of my van and open the trunk grabbing my REALTOR Open House sign. And yes, it doubles as a weapon in a time of need. I charge at the turtle, fearlessly yelling, holding my sign like a sword in hopes of scaring this this thing off my damn glasses.

And there begins the fencing match. I thrust forward to the right side. It hisses, pivots and lunges. I repeat on the left side. It pivots, hisses, lunges. And not only has the street become really busy, but I am acutely aware that I have small children wondering what the hell their mother is doing. Can you say..."Safety Violation"?

FINALLY, this thing lunges"off" my glasses. With the metal spike of the sign, I scrape them away from the turtle's underbelly, swipe them up and jump back into the car--the whole time thinking "I hope you die turtle". I didn't realize I was cursing aloud about my newfound hatred of turtles until my daughter starts screaming and sobbing  "you cannot judge all turtles based on the actions of one".

And the worst part of it. My glasses smelled like turtle poo.

The moral. Snapping turtles are evil and do not care if you want to save them. They will eat you given the chance which is why you should focus on the safety of your children and yourself first.

The end.