The irony of sunscreen

I can't remember the last time I had a sun tan. I remember going to a wedding when I was about 25 and visiting a tanning bed company that claimed to use UVB rays which were less "cancer causing". I think I went about 5 times to reach the shade of gold I wanted. I look at those pictures of my blonde, tan, svelte self and think "who in the heck is she?"

Fast forward 15 years later....two babies, gallons of sunscreen and hair dye and I definitely lean more toward the curvy goth look than Barbie.  At some point I figured out that I needed to wear sunscreen. That the sun and tanning beds caused cancer. Better pale than sorry. So I opted to embrace the whole dramatic pale with dark hair and bright red lipstick look. And somehow I got a lot more comfortable in my own skin than I ever was a decade before.

So where is the irony? Well, when I think of constant tanning I envision golden leathery skin that wrinkles and hardens with age. I mean, to each his own. But I just decided that I thought I'd age better pale. So I pour on the SPF 50 in an effort to protect my skin.

So here it goes....life would be so much easier with thick skin. And yeah...I know I am speaking about a different kind of skin. But I've learned to embrace the physical...protecting its sensitivity. And yet, I beat myself up over not having a thicker, more protective inner layer.

Recently I had a job that I threw my heart and soul into. And really, I did an amazing job. I know it in my heart. I went above and beyond and made numerous sacrifices for the job. But I did them because I take pride in helping people and doing a good job. In the end, however, there were circumstances beyond my control that left a bad taste in the client's mouth...and who gets the blame?

me. yuck.

Some people are great at holding their heads up high and letting things roll off their sleeves. I fixate on what happened....how I could have made things better....how I could have made them perfectly happy.

Get a thicker skin girl. Its their problem. Not yours. Someone eles's shortsightedness isn't your issue.

But still. And then I become so hard on myself for not being tougher. That I cry too easily. That I care too much.

So today I decided to just embrace the fact that I'll probably never have a real thick skin. I'm just not a "leathery" kind of gal. I will always be fair and sensitive to all sorts of bright lights. I'll always put myself out there because it is who I am.

I don't think its about developing a thicker skin. I think its about being comfortable in mine which just happens to burn easily. But I think it makes me a better person. I just do.

 And I have fewer wrinkles.